Down and out
I think my worst habit is surfacing again.It's not procrastination....though I have had problems with that in the past... Sometimes I wish it were procrastination, though. I'd feel a whole lot better.
No, I am talking about confidence. I am the worst person when it comes to self-confidence. I feel like I have none. Though I am feeling physically better since my last post, I have had an emotional downward spiral since then. I was comparing myself to others...bad thing to be doing, really, but whatever. I can admit that. I compared myself to everyone you could imagine....and then lost whatever confidence and esteem I had in myself.
"Why couldn't I have *insert noun here* like so-and-so??" I dunno. I would ask myself over and over, and compare my life to theirs......stupid, I know. I'm being such a teenager. It's a vicious circle. The worse I feel, the more I compare.
I felt so bad that I didn't want to do anything, go anywhere, see anybody. But I had to go to work. And being back to casual means I need every hour of work I can get. So I went. Good thing I did, cuz hope was found in a place I never expected. Feeling frustrated about my life, my day, and my abilities...I was standing at the desk when my clinical educator came up to me. She had a comment from one of the doctors about me, and wanted to pass on the message. Picking my stomach up off the floor and nervous about what disasterous comments were made, I put on a brave face. Turns out said doctor wanted to compliment me on the job I had done during a delivery a few days earlier. Who, me?? I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I almost wanted to cry, but instead I smiled. It felt good. That "warm and fuzzy feeling" you hear first year nursing students talk about....it's for real you know.
I am healing. I am crawling out of the hole I made for myself....slowly....but still going. Dig up stupid! And now I have shared with you something pretty personal, something pretty sad, and maybe even something pretty boring. But this is my blog. And PRi's blog. When better things come....you will know
posted by MorPRi @ 4:42 PM
4 Comments:
I know just how you feel...being down is normal. It's part of...being. Plain and simple. And that's what blogs are for, sharing how you feel! Don't worry, I'll always be there to listen. If you get a chance, we need a "detox" day. You're casual now? Perhaps on a weekend or something we'll just sit and vent. Let me know if you're in!
Yay warm and fuzzy. I wish I could have a warm and fuzzy feeling about something....anything...!!!! And Morgan, you are a beautiful person who many people love:) I miss you dearly!!!
We love you SO much Morgan! Please call so we can hang out!
Morgan, if I had the means, I would fly out first thing in the morning just to give you a hug, then fly back.
You're a strong person with a good heart. Don't ever forget how many people's lives you've touched over the years. Love you hun!
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