The Wonderful World of MorPRi

Thoughts to ponder

This is going to be a rather long entry. Just a warning. I won't be offended if you skip to the end, but I am feeling a lot of things, and have felt a lot of things, that I have decided to share with you.

First of all, dad is back home. He is doing better. He gave us quite a scare over the past week, particularly on Friday when he had a horrible day. But the doctors felt he was better on Monday to warrant a trip home with prescriptions. I have to say he is doing remarkably better than earlier on in the week, but it still doesn't stop him from becoming short of breath putting the dishes away. I admit it was nice working in the same building that he was staying in.....I was able to visit past the visiting hours, and make sure things were ok before I left for the remainder of my coffee break. I was scared. I think dad was scared too. Since dad has been home, I have been trying to help him out, but keeping in mind that he has to start doing some things on his own. It's a tough balance.

Last night I was puttering in my room and came across my old diaries. Keeping myself awake to prepare for my night shift tonight I decided to venture into the world of teenage angst and hormones that I had written down. A blog for the 1990's I guess. Wow. I can't believe how much of an emotional rollercoaster junior high had been. It made me wonder how I even made it to high school alive. Then grade 10 was another story in itself. Initially I hated it.....I knew no one in my classes....of course because I had been the only one from junior high that took band. I wanted to quit band altogether in the beginning. A song from MusiCamrose, a question on where the library was, and a trip to Skaskaskamatoonie changed all that. You know who you are. Thank you :):) Beware the doors at McDonald's.

So the entries continued, not nearly as superficial as earlier ones, but just as emotionally charged. My university education didn't fail me to my surprise. I could actually see where my abstract thinking started. I began to question decisions I was making, actions I was taking, and the all important question...."why". It's a weird feeling going back in time and actually see yourself grow up. Of course my why questions never got answered, but by the next day, I didn't care anymore. Sitting there reading, I realized that I never really figured out what was going on with my life. So the why questions creeped in again. I still don't know what is going on with my life, but I have realized that I have the ability to change that. It's such an empowering feeling, being in control of something. But anyways........
My last entry happened to be the day after Jo's "infamous" party. Sorry, Jo. Your going away party was so much better....except for the fact that you and Eric were going away! I think I stopped writing for a number of reasons. Suddenly I was dealing with things that weren't as trivial. It was not just the fact that Mark died...it was also the time when my aunt was getting really sick. And when my mom was robbed at the bank....again. It was also a time for adult decisions. Was I going to university? What would I take? Why did I choose that? There's that "why" question again. And so began another rollercoaster ride.

I kind of miss having a diary.

So after reminiscing about my teenage years, I watched a movie. Of course I fell asleep during said movie and had a bunch of the most bizzare dreams I've had in a while. Have I ever told you about my dreams? Anyways, I dreamt it was my wedding day. I was getting into my dress while making sure there was enough oxygen tubing for dad. My dress was black. Not a black wedding dress, but more of a cocktail one. I also couldn't find my diamond earrings to wear, or my ring. When I got to the ceremony (in my black dress), I couldn't see my husband-to-be. Well, I couldn't see his face. I saw him from behind....thought that he had great hair....but I didn't know who he was, or why he didn't look at me. Then the ceremony was delayed because Michelle was making a toast to her parents for their help for her wedding. Nobody at the ceremony even realized I was there and it was my wedding.

What the *&$# kind of dream was that? I suppose I should have expected something bizarre after reading my diaries. But really. What does it all mean? Will I even have a wedding? If I do, would nobody care? They all seemed to be eager to hear from Michelle. Did my husband-to-be not have a face because there isn't one yet...or is it because there won't be one? Why was my dress black? Why was I at a ceremony with hundreds of people when I have been thinking about a destination wedding? Or is it one of those dreams just because. There really is no meaning. There is no spoon. Is it just my sub-conscious making things up because I am seriously lacking sleep and rest? I dunno.

So this is where I leave off for now. Talking about sleep and rest has made me sleepy. I hope reading my entry today hasn't made you sleepy, and if it has.......oh well, I guess. Go to bed. You never know where your dreams will take you.

posted by MorPRi @ 1:08 PM